Please Don't Be That Guy » Fail

Fail: Just Plain Loopy

Andy — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:13:14 +0000

Personally, I find the vast majority of the screen-captured how-to webcasts that the web is awash with to be irritating and irrelevant. They seem to typically be filled with content that is more editorial than educational, and I’m generally able to figure out how to do something myself from either a) reading about it or b) actually, you know, doing it. Perhaps my own issues with the medium are why I find this so funny:

It just goes to show that one man’s infinite loop is another man’s infinite jest.

PSA Fail

Andy — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 04:46:51 +0000

I think we all can appreciate clever and/or edgy marketing campaigns to some degree, but everything has a limit. To wit, I give you this public service announcement from Australia, where apparently everyone loves a good incest joke:

Zing! Man, I can’t wait to see what hilarious shenanigans the Aussies whip up to warn us about the horrors female genital mutilation or face-punching the elderly.

[Via Spare Room]

Ménage A Fail

Andy — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 04:26:40 +0000

According to Cosmopolitan magazine, most straight guys fantasize about making sexy times with two women at once. Someone might want to mention this to George Bartusek, an enterprising Floridian who got arrested yesterday while trying to make sweet, sweet love to two blow-up dolls while parked in his car in front of his local supermarket in an attempt to pull off some sort of kink trifecta.

Lest you think that this fella isn’t a gentleman, let it be known that he was “headed to Target to ‘get some clothes for his dolls’”. After, of course, “aggressively kissing” them, because you know that’s how dolls like it. And they say chivalry’s dead?

UPDATED
Holy shit, there’s even video!

Oh dear.

Bonus Fail

As an added bonus, you really ought to check out this maddening phone call some poor guy had with Verizon billing:

Admittedly, I’m no math or accounting whiz, but bajesus…..

Parenting Fail

Andy — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 16:48:29 +0000

As a parent myself, I have a lot of respect for other people who have kids and parent them well – I certainly am far from perfect at it, and I take guidance and inspiration from those folks whom I think do a kick-ass job of raising their kids. And while I’ve certainly done things as a dad that I’ve later wished I hadn’t, I believe I can safely say that none of my regrettable parenting moments seem to be things which will scar my children for life. Unfortunately, that’s more than I can say for one Crystal Walden (side note, of course her name is Crystal, right?), who – not wanting to let motherhood prevent her from having a good time – got stinking drunk, dragged her 10 year-old son to a truck stop and made him watch while she got freaky and/or deaky with a trucker inside his rig. Oy vey:

My favorite bit about this admittedly shocking and repulsive story is the statement she made to the judge in open court explaining her actions:

“It’s only because I was drinking tequila,” Walden said during her Monday arraignment.

It sounds like Jose Cuervo was decidedly not a friend of hers that night I guess. In any case, this sort of puts some of the things my own parents did to me when I was a kid in perspective. I’d like to publicly thank my folks for their restraint.

Zune Fail

Andy — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 16:18:11 +0000

Ha ha ha. You suck, Microsoft! Although, I appreciate you giving me another excuse to link to this.

That is all.

[Via /.]

Maidenhead Fail

Andy — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 04:55:58 +0000

Ahh, virginity. Or, more importantly, the loss thereof. While most guys are so eager to rid themselves of the pesky thing – heaven knows that, had the internet existed back in my salad days, I would’ve made sure that there were entire web sites dedicated to the awesomeness of my ascension to manhood – our culture has conditioned ladies to be guarded and almost reverential about conjugating the verb for the first time, and perhaps rightly so. After all, becoming a woman is a delicate and wondrous thing, something any girl would only share with her most trusted confidants and friends. Oh, right, and maybe her dad. Yikes.

Yeesh. I honestly don’t know what the takeaway is for a fathers like me who have daughters: do I forbid her from ever going on a high school class trip, or would I be better served to never allow her to own a cell phone so I don’t have to hear about what happened?

Probiotic Fail

Andy — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 20:47:24 +0000

Ahh, Sundance. Here I am, making at least a veiled attempt to nobly eat something nominally considered to be healthy (not to mention it’s all I can afford because the beverage I am forced to purchase due to my addiction is so freaking expensive). To that end, I’ve just purchased a small container of yogurt yoghurt, pre-mixed with fruit and with a hefty patch of granola suspended above it within its domed lid. We’ve all seen this food packaged this way – there’s a hole in the center of the domed lid which allows the diner to plunge their spoon into the concoction in order to mix it up properly and then, ultimately, eat it. Makes perfect sense. Except for the fact that the spoon is too large to fit through the lid:

Ultimately, there is no way to eat this tasty treat without dumping all of the granola all over the place, making me look even more socially inept than I already am as a baseline. And so I shall ask for a bowl from the comely barista or, short of that, I will smuggle this home and eat it later. Anyway, in case you’re scoring at home (and if so, congratulations!), that would be: Container 1, Andy 0.