Caption Contest: Here, Kitty Kitty

21 January 2009 | 2:44 PM

All right, it’s been eons since the my last caption contest around here, and it’s high time to whip another one out. Now, as a rule I’m not big on making fun of poor random slobs (being a random slob myself, it sort of hits close to home), but this one just, well…..I have no words:

All right, people, the rules for this one are the same as always: submit your entry as a comment on this post; profanity remains acceptable, if not downright encouraged; submit as many captions as you wish; those submissions which play upon thinly-veiled sexual and/or otherwise juvenile material will receive higher consideration than others; all entries must be submitted before the contest is over; the winner will be selected by the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Ridonculousness, namely me.

All entries must be received by 5:00p CDT on Thursday, January 22, 2009. This contest’s winner will receive something random from one of the last few boxes in my basement that I’ve yet to unpack.

Get a move on, people – let me see your funny.

Contrary to popular belief: I’m no fool. I’m fully capable of admitting failure when I see it. Now, by most reasonable measures, this particular caption contest was a flop: there were only three submissions (one of which, sadly, I don’t even really get) and there were two protests-of-lameness lodged. Again, by most yardsticks, this would make even the hardiest of blogger admit defeat. However, there was one glimmer of hope, which came in the form of Tammy’s (winning) response:

“Aaaahh, pussy control, oh”

I’ll be damned if she didn’t go all Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Credible on us. Not only that, her caption reflects a) my favorite Prince song and b) the exact idea that popped into my head the moment I saw the photo above. So, Tammy, congratulations: you’ve earned yourself an official Nitty Gritty birthday mug (why it’s followed me around to this day is beyond me), which I promise I will run through the dishwasher before passing it along. And to all your haters out there I say, “fine, be that way”, but next time, you guys need to suggest the picture to caption then.

And now, I bid you adieu. Viva la caption!

Posted by Andy in Caption Contests | Comments (6)

Caption Contest: Total Bull

1 December 2008 | 9:35 AM

If your Thanksgiving weekend was anything like mine, you’re spending today double-fisting duiretics and anxiety medication, desperately hoping to get back to your pre-meal weight and sanity.  Well, good luck with that.  In the meantime, why not give this latest caption contest a try while you wait for everything to kick in?

All right, people, you know the drill: submit your entry as a comment on this post; profanity remains acceptable, if not downright encouraged; submit as many captions as you wish; those submissions which play upon thinly-veiled sexual and/or otherwise juvenile material will receive higher consideration than others; all entries must be submitted before the contest is over; the winner will be selected by a one-man electoral college of me.

All entries must be received by 5:00p CDT on Tuesday, December 2, 2008. This contest’s winner will receive an awesome plate of sugar cookies baked by yours truly and frosted lovingly (if not necessarily exactingly) by my children.

Let’s get rolling, folks: don’t leave me in the lurch, forced to amuse myself. Nothing good can come from that.

After considerable deliberation, I’ve elected to anoint Fran as the winner of this contest. While it’s true that this is partly because she probably knows a dozen ways to make my eyes literally fall out of my head, it’s mostly because of this, excellent entry:

“In hindsight, paying the scalper the extra 50 bucks for better seats might NOT have been the best decision.”

For her effort, Fran will be receiving a shipment of home-made sugar-cookies, painstakingly (emphasis on “pain”) decorated by my children who were under the illusion that I am a good father and was going to allow them to eat them.

Good work, all of you: while you didn’t necessarily make me proud, you did at least make me laugh, and that’s something.

Posted by Andy in Caption Contests | Comments (6)

Caption Contest: Digging For Gold

15 November 2008 | 4:35 PM

Somewhere between switching places with Jamie Lee Curtis in The Parent Trap and going toe-to-toe with Matt Dillon in Herbie Fully Loaded, something went horribly off the rails for young Lindsay Lohan. Sure, she was never going to be the Helen Mirren of her generation acting-wise (or, quite possibly, body-wise – yowza, your majesty!), but Lohan at the very least had a promising career of playing hard-edged post-Disney ingenues and vaguely-trampy hookers-with-hearts-of-gold ahead of her. But then she went off the reservation, turning into a cocaine-addled caricature composite of Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole Smith, only sporting more freckles and less panache. These days, LiLo’s life has far less to do with potential acting gigs than it does mugging for the camera with her girlfriend (No wait, she’s not a lesbian so how could she be her girlfriend? No wait, they’re just friends. No wait, she’s always been bi! No wait, she’s her drug dealer! No wait…..*yawn*….I so don’t care.), the soul-less, crappy trust-fund-baby trance-DJ Samantha Ronson. Either they’re just another ubiquitous and annoying public couple or this is some elaborate and poorly-conceived ruse designed to give Lohan an “edge”: either way, they are publicity-crazed, insufferable and dumb as a box of rocks.*

In any case, ridiculous as they may well be as people, it is inarguable that they are excellent fodder for a caption contest. Especially when they engage in a little pairs synchronized booger excavation, like so:

All right, people, same-old rules as ever: submit your entry as a comment on this post; profanity remains acceptable, if not downright encouraged; submit as many captions as you wish; those submissions which play upon thinly-veiled sexual and/or otherwise juvenile material will receive higher consideration than others; all entries must be submitted before the contest is over; the winner will be selected by a congressionally appointed panel of citizen experts, comprised solely of me.

All entries must be received by 5:00p CDT on Monday, November 17, 2008. This time around, our winner will receive a $10 gift certificate for Archie McPhee, so let’s get crackin’.

Well, it was tough, but I think I’ve been able to separate the wheat from the chaff enough to select a winner. Despite Ryan “going there”, and in spite of the fact that one of the entries was posted by a customer who could, in a fit of rage, choose to withhold all further business, I’ve elected to go with L P’s entry, which offers us this little bit of little poignant insight:

“Lindsay Lohan is so new to being a lesbian that she actually thinks this is how women have sex with eachother.”

Well played, L P, whoever you are! This marks an official first for me – awarding first prize to someone I’ve not met and don’t know (and who, maddeningly, didn’t even offer the courtesy of throwing lavish praise at me in the hopes of winning). In any case, L P has won the Archie McPhee gift card, which I would assume s/he will use to toward this thing. Lord knows I would.

Good work everyone!

* Don’t believe me? Check out Lohan going all Strom Thurmond on Access Hollywood. Stay classy, Firecrotch.

Posted by Andy in Caption Contests | Comments (6)

Caption Contest: Oh, Those Gumdrop Buttons

3 November 2008 | 4:06 PM

All right, this is my first caption contest under the auspices of this blog, but those of you who know anything about me know that I’m an old hand at this sort of stuff. My favorite part about these things is that they involve lots of input from you and very little from me (read, I don’t have to do any work). I think we’ll all agree that the less I say, the better.

Anyhoo, I figured with the whole country election-obsessed at the moment, we could all use a bit of a distraction. And who better to distract us than NBC’s plucky faux morning weatherman, the always dignified Al Roker. To wit:

OK, folks, you know the drill: submit your entry as a comment on this post; profanity remains acceptable, if not downright encouraged; submit as many captions as you wish; those submissions which play upon thinly-veiled sexual and/or otherwise juvenile material will receive higher consideration than others; all entries must be submitted before the contest is over; the winner will be selected by a blue-ribbon panel of experts comprised solely of me.

For this contest, the winner will get their choice of one of two prizes: either a still shrink-wrapped Art of Belly Dancing Mini Kit (don’t ask) or a gently-used Spice Girls ball-point pen/lanyard combination. All entries must be submitted by 5:30p CDT on Tuesday, November 4th, 2008.

What are you waiting for? Let’s get crackin’, people! Make me proud.

Ladies and germs, we have a winner. After careful deliberation – and this was tough, given some of the puerile and profane entries that were put in place this time around – I’ve decided to award the prize for this contest to Tammy, who went all current-events on us by dropping a little Shep Smith with her entry:

“The rest of it — man…some things — it just gets frightening sometimes. We’ll be right back.” – Shepard Smith

For a little context on that one, check out this clip:

Good work, everyone. Now save up some curse words and dick jokes for the next one.

Posted by Andy in Caption Contests | Comments (6)