Sinterklaasterphobic

25 December 2009 | 3:54 AM

Merry Christmas, friends.

Here’s hoping your wooden shoes runneth over with presents. Peace.

Posted by Andy in Comedy = Tragedy + Time | Comments (0)

Enhancy Fancy

22 December 2009 | 7:14 PM

Oh, Hollywood. If only life were like it is in the movies and on television, where any picture can be made clearer simply by saying those two magic words:

Look people, when former marginal comedian Richard Belzer tells you to enhance section A6, you’d better damned well do it. Physics, photography and sensibility be damned!

Posted by Andy in Nerdapalooza | Comments (0)

The Ghost Of Christmas *GASP*

17 December 2009 | 11:06 PM

I’ve not historically been much of a fan of comedian/actor/grouse Patton Oswalt: I’ve always found him to be more aleck than smart, and his level of self-absorbtion seems titanic, even by celebrity standards. Be that as it may, I can’t help but admire his riff (and its incredibly well-done accompanying animation) on the true meaning of Christmas:

OK, despite the fact that Oswalt can be a sanctimonious dickhead, that shit is seriously funny. The money quote: “I may have died for your sins, but those shoes are unforgivable!”

Posted by Andy in Comedy = Tragedy + Time | Comments (0)

The Right To Shoot Yourself In Your Sleep

16 December 2009 | 10:10 PM

Wow. Just….wow. While I’m a sissified gun-o-phobe without a terribly sophisticated understanding of American gun culture, I am down with the 2nd Amendment. If others want to bear themselves some arms, that seems fine to me (although I fall in the camp of those who feel like some reasonable limits could be set on that on them – but that’s a whole ‘nother Oprah show). However, I have to think that most gun owners would agree with me that this concept falls into the “dangerously stupid” category:

Or maybe not? I just know that if I’m sharing a bed with someone who’s stashing a sawed-off shotgun under her side of the comforter, I’m guessing that will curb any of those midnight trips to see a man about a horse: after all, what’s a kidney infection if it means avoiding taking a load of buckshot to the groin?

[Via BoingBoing]

Posted by Andy in Ummm...? | Comments (0)

The Crying Game

13 December 2009 | 9:41 PM

It’s been a long time since I’ve carried on a relationship with anything other than my coffee maker, let alone since I’ve been married, so I’m trying to keep that in mind as I watch this riveting series of videos in which blogger/designer Parker Stech documents his sweet-seeming wife Hollie’s devolution into a sobbing mess at the end of classic sci-fi movies. For example, here’s her reaction after watching Star Wars – Episode VI: Return of the Jedi:

Oh. Mah. Gah. Stech swears up and down that his wife’s all right with him doing this, and in some cases is even behind the idea of putting this hot mess on the internet. Even so, I have to think that some sort of marital karma is going to be visited upon him at some point. And by “marital karma”, I of course mean “videos of him crying after sex being posted on the web,”, much like the same fate I am sure awaits this guy. Thankfully, though, this is his bag of yin/yang to deal with, so jamokes like me can feel free to laugh and laugh.

It does, though, make one wonder what happens if she watches something truly sad, like, say any of George Lucas’ Star Wars prequels. Heyo!

Posted by Andy in Words Fail Me | Comments (0)

The Internet Wants To Date My Sister?

9 December 2009 | 10:10 PM

I’m old school, so when someone asks me to explain the internet to them, I send them to Ted Stevens, since dude put it so damned succinctly. However, classicist that I am, even I can still see the merit in putting the question to other semi-douchy pundit-types to see what they think. And by “see what they think” I of course mean “splice up their words to make them look stupid”:

Admittedly, I still prefer Senator Stevens’ explanation, but I will say I’ve always suspected that 50 Cent secretly was in control of the it all.

Posted by Andy in Nerdapalooza | Comments (0)

You Sunk My Battlequeen

9 December 2009 | 12:43 AM

Sakes alive, I sure loves me some Barats & Bereta! These two have been my favorite web comedy tag team ever since I happened upon their transcendentally funny “Mother’s Day sketch a few years back. Here, the boys tackle a task I’ve long thought about but could never work up the courage: namely, combining all of the board games on the top shelf of my hall closet into one, colossal Thunderdome of entertainment for the whole family. To wit, I give you “Mousemate”:

Now, sure, it would have been slightly more impressive if the lads could’ve worked in Connect Four, Trivial Pursuit and Boggle somehow, but still, give the fellas some props.

Posted by Andy in Awesome (To Me, Anyway) | Comments (0)

No, Woz. Just…..No.

7 December 2009 | 11:56 PM

For fuck’s sake, Woz. I mean, you’re a gajillionaire: start acting like one again.

I mean, honestly. I’m not against you being eccentric – hell, that sort of comes with the territory. But why can’t you be acceptably eccentric, like Paul Allen with his mega-yacht or Richard Branson and his balloon voyages or even George W. Bush with his “presidency”? You don’t seem to get it, Steve – you have more money than God : people with that kind of money – especially people with an IQ over 200 – should use that money to be just eccentric enough to make us forget about just what a dork they really are. But not you, Woz, you have to be a great, bearded (Seriously? 1978 called and it wants its look back) dork-conoclast.

Look, man, I’m a fan. What you did in that garage back in 1976 really changed the world, and not just in a purely romantic sense, either. The Apple ][? Come on! To this day, it's still my favorite computer I've ever worked on. And then when you kind of went off the reservation and cranked out those two US Festivals? Fucking epic. But since then, you've gotten more and more weird, and what's worse is you have no sense of irony about it. You joined a Segway polo team; you were on Dancing with the Stars; you dated Kathy Griffin and you're not even gay (or are you?): dude, you really need to get a fucking grip.

And so now, here you are, tottering around on your Segway at some NoCal Toyota dealership like Gob Bluth auditioning for Jeremy Piven's role in The Goods, helping to push a few more Priuses (Priuii?) off the lot and, I don't know, convince people to spring for the undercoating? No, Woz. Just....no. As a rich, eccentric public figure, I think it's time to re-evaluate your choices when you begin to make Howard Hughes look reasonable.

[Thanks, Dear Leader]

Posted by Andy in Nerdapalooza | Comments (0)

Copenhagen, Here I Come!

6 December 2009 | 11:58 PM

While I’ve always been in favor of promoting positive steps to counteract global warming, I’ve never really thought about getting directly involved. Until now. Yes, folks, I’m looking for a sugar-momma (or daddy – I’m not here to judge) to send me over to Denmark this week so that I can participate in the COP15 United Nations Climate Change Conference. Why, pray tell, do I want to attend, you ask? Is it to advocate for US adoption of the Kyoto treaty? To argue for stiffer penalties for governments who continue to dump tons of harmful emissions into the air? To meet hot hippie chicks in a cramped hostel? Um, no, none of the above.

No, the reason I need to get to Copenhagen this week is that Danish prostitutes are giving it up for free to anyone with a conference identity card. Yup, the ladies of the night of Hans Christian Andersen’s ancestral homeland are protesting a city campaign aimed at curbing the utilization of sex workers during the conference, and who am I to stand between streetwalkers who talk like the Swedish Chef and their dream?

So, if anyone could score me a plane ticket and an ID card, I’d really, really appreciate the opportunity to combat the greenhouse effect in my pants. (See what I did there?)

[Via Arbroath]

Posted by Andy in The Beast With Two Backs | Comments (0)

Living In A World Of Fools

5 December 2009 | 11:19 PM

Some folks might say that some things are just not meant to intermingle: red wine and squab; Fox News and journalism; Pauly Shore and this world. While I wholeheartedly agree with those examples, perhaps we shouldn’t be too hasty and pre-judge these things. After all, such nay-saying notions would’ve prevented us from ever discovering such winning pairings as chocolate and peanut butter, Aerosmith and Run DMC, or even cocaine and hookers’ asses. Imagine, for instance, if I said to you, what would you think of a death metal version of the Bee Gees’ saccharine classic “How Deep Is Your Love”:

Um, all right, I was wrong: go ahead and pre-judge all the hell you want. I give up.

Posted by Andy in Ummm...? | Comments (0)