22 January 2009 | 4:45 PM
If this clip is to be believed, Dr. Terri Orbuch – née ” Detroit’s “Love Doctor” – has managed to wangle her way into some extremely exclusive access inside our new president’s inner-most circle:
I have to wonder what Pastor Rick Warren thinks about that?
[Via WWTDD]
Posted by Andy in Politcally Incoherent | Comments (0)
21 January 2009 | 2:44 PM
All right, it’s been eons since the my last caption contest around here, and it’s high time to whip another one out. Now, as a rule I’m not big on making fun of poor random slobs (being a random slob myself, it sort of hits close to home), but this one just, well…..I have no words:
All right, people, the rules for this one are the same as always: submit your entry as a comment on this post; profanity remains acceptable, if not downright encouraged; submit as many captions as you wish; those submissions which play upon thinly-veiled sexual and/or otherwise juvenile material will receive higher consideration than others; all entries must be submitted before the contest is over; the winner will be selected by the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Ridonculousness, namely me.
All entries must be received by 5:00p CDT on Thursday, January 22, 2009. This contest’s winner will receive something random from one of the last few boxes in my basement that I’ve yet to unpack.
Get a move on, people – let me see your funny.
Contrary to popular belief: I’m no fool. I’m fully capable of admitting failure when I see it. Now, by most reasonable measures, this particular caption contest was a flop: there were only three submissions (one of which, sadly, I don’t even really get) and there were two protests-of-lameness lodged. Again, by most yardsticks, this would make even the hardiest of blogger admit defeat. However, there was one glimmer of hope, which came in the form of Tammy’s (winning) response:
“Aaaahh, pussy control, oh”
I’ll be damned if she didn’t go all Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Credible on us. Not only that, her caption reflects a) my favorite Prince song and b) the exact idea that popped into my head the moment I saw the photo above. So, Tammy, congratulations: you’ve earned yourself an official Nitty Gritty birthday mug (why it’s followed me around to this day is beyond me), which I promise I will run through the dishwasher before passing it along. And to all your haters out there I say, “fine, be that way”, but next time, you guys need to suggest the picture to caption then.
And now, I bid you adieu. Viva la caption!
Posted by Andy in Caption Contests | Comments (6)
21 January 2009 | 2:06 PM
Not for nothing, but if the actual Megan Fox was as funny, provocative and entertaining as her (alleged) Twitter feed is, she’d be vastly more attractive.
I’m not saying, but I’m just saying.
Posted by Andy in Food For Thought | Comments (0)
19 January 2009 | 11:55 PM
OK, before you start yelling at me for taking a breather from my resolution, let me first attempt to excuse it by pleading exhaustion after an impromptu series of school closings turned last week into a scene out of Mr. Mom. And if that doesn’t placate you……look over there – it’s something shiny!
In all seriousness, thank you to the hundreds dozens several of you who publicly and/or privately for admonished me for falling down on the job. I needed a swift kick in the virtual ass to get into a groove again. Anyway, I figured I’d get back in the saddle tonight with another stab at being a bard, with “stab” being the operative word, since after reading this you’ll surely either want to stab me to death or your own eyes out. But, as the poet once said: “Ye doth not liketh? Getteth thee thine own blog, swine!”
With Room(“101 Sex Secrets That Will Drive Him Wild”)
(What television show features Superman in every episode?)
(Maybe Eva Mendes is the nice one?)
(What’s the difference between “saddlebacking” and “saddlebagging”?)
(“If your life before you became a Christian was a movie, which movie would it be?”)
I shudder to think of all I would not even dare to consider
if you were not there,
with room.
It occurs to me I’m nowhere near good enough at this to be tinkering around with form so much, but frankly sometimes I need a bit of a device to loosen up the ol’ creative logjam. And at least it kept me from busting out yet another haiku, right? In any case, there it is: feel free to stab away.
Posted by Andy in Play For Today | Comments (0)
19 January 2009 | 11:21 PM
Seriously, Microsoft? With all the shit that’s wrong with Vista and the epic New Year’s Day Zune debacle still fresh in people’s memory, you’re spending your time producing stuff like Songsmith, an application which attempts to create automated, contextual musical accompaniment for the human voice? Sweet Bajebus, no wonder Internet Explorer doesn’t work! Anyway, if you’re trying to decide whether you should listen to this odious Songsmith bastardization of The Police’s classic “Roxanne”, here’s a hint: no, you shouldn’t.
Cripes, it’s like imagining the song being covered by Miami Sound Machine. Say what you will about Apple or Google, but they’d never allow this sort of thing to happen. Ever.
Posted by Andy in Nerdapalooza | Comments (0)
19 January 2009 | 11:05 PM
Fresh off the heels of last month’s story about the guy who beat up his lady-friend with a cheeseburger comes this heartwarming tale of a boy, his mother and the cornthenticity that threatened to rip their relationship asunder. It seems one Zachary Moir of Deltona, Florida was so incensed that mommy dearest had summarily yanked the power on his Xbox mid-game that he marched downstairs and gave her a face-full of taco. The best part of this story has to be the kid’s stone-cold douchebag booking photo, an image that makes even the most forgiving of hearts secretly smirk at the idea of this weasel spending a few days in the Volusia County lockup.
Leaving aside the fact that dude is nineteen and yet still lives with (and apparently is fed by) his mom, I can’t help but wonder what today’s youth are thinking. I mean, had I so much as accidentally flicked an errant sprig of shredded cheese in my mom’s general direction as a teen, I would’ve caught a beating so savage it would make extraordinary rendition look like an episode of Captain Kangaroo, and the cops would have had to first collect all the pieces of my face before taking that mug shot.
And more importantly, what the hell do today’s domestic abusers have against hand-food?
Posted by Andy in Ummm...? | Comments (0)
16 January 2009 | 12:28 AM
I know, I know – for the second time now, my resolution skipped a day. Last night I wound up being wiped out by the remnants of a flubola bug which had previously darkened our doorway around here – the only thing I was creating was more shares of stock for the Pepto Bismol people. That said, I’m back tonight with some music, and as promised this time I did it without stock-loops, by gum. All the tracks are created by yours truly, which I can’t quite tell if it’s a good or a bad thing.
There are some inherent issues with the recording – I basically spent zero time mastering it, so all of the tracks are pretty much forward in the mix, leaving some stuff to either be way too exposed or buried – and I’m not at all thrilled with the transition into and out of the chorus/bridge part. I might not even be all right with the tempo. However, ultimately my goal was to get something which was rattling around in my head, well, out of my head, letting it breathe on its own a bit to see if it’ll make it. At this point, it’s touch-and-go.
Posted by Andy in Play For Today | Comments (2)
15 January 2009 | 2:23 PM
A few years back, when Joel and Ethan Cohen were making their excellent movie O Brother Where Art Thou, both freely admitted that they had never even read The Odyssey of Homer, the epic poem upon which their film was loosely based. I’ve always admired the Cohen brothers for this: because they weren’t constrained by the various intricacies of plot minutiae, it freed them up to use their Cliff’s Notes understanding of the source material as merely a frame to drape their own story over. Similarly, this recounting of the (original) Star Wars trilogy has a bit of the Cohen’s magic going for it, along with a healthy dash batshit-crazy tossed in, just because:
Now I ask you: wouldn’t you rather watch this short film than any of the three prequels George Lucas pumped out?
[Via Geekologie]
Posted by Andy in Comedy = Tragedy + Time | Comments (0)
15 January 2009 | 2:02 PM
Ricardo Montalban died yesterday, and while I’m surely the millionth person on the web to post a brief snippet about it with an image of him from Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan, I will say in my defense that this is mostly because I wasn’t able to get a good screen-cap from his 1975 Chrysler Cordoba ad:
R.I.P., Mr. Rourke.
Posted by Andy in Ummm...? | Comments (0)
13 January 2009 | 10:57 PM
Tonight’s opus is remarkable for at least one thing – I was able to get cracking on it before the wee, small hours of the night for a change. To be fair, it’s really just a snippet of some disastrously bad poetry I wrote over the summer, my hope being that a critical trimming of the fat will upgrade it from “disastrous” to “wincingly bad”. Progress is progress, people: don’t knock it!
BaitI think about those fishing boats
(you know the ones)
who set out on vast, unending seas
in search of one catch or another.
The ocean is so big,
their trawlers and nets so small,
yet experience and instinct tell them
where they should look for their prize, and
what they should offer as bait.I think about them and realize
I am a terrible fisherman.
The thing is, I appreciate poetry (and art in general) which can be taken any number of ways, in any number of contexts, but that’s a skill I have yet to cultivate. I am, as it turns out, only proficient in the art of single entendre.
Posted by Andy in Play For Today | Comments (0)