Caption Contest: Digging For Gold

15 November 2008 | 4:35 PM

Somewhere between switching places with Jamie Lee Curtis in The Parent Trap and going toe-to-toe with Matt Dillon in Herbie Fully Loaded, something went horribly off the rails for young Lindsay Lohan. Sure, she was never going to be the Helen Mirren of her generation acting-wise (or, quite possibly, body-wise - yowza, your majesty!), but Lohan at the very least had a promising career of playing hard-edged post-Disney ingenues and vaguely-trampy hookers-with-hearts-of-gold ahead of her. But then she went off the reservation, turning into a cocaine-addled caricature composite of Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole Smith, only sporting more freckles and less panache. These days, LiLo’s life has far less to do with potential acting gigs than it does mugging for the camera with her girlfriend (No wait, she’s not a lesbian so how could she be her girlfriend? No wait, they’re just friends. No wait, she’s always been bi! No wait, she’s her drug dealer! No wait…..*yawn*….I so don’t care.), the soul-less, crappy trust-fund-baby trance-DJ Samantha Ronson. Either they’re just another ubiquitous and annoying public couple or this is some elaborate and poorly-conceived ruse designed to give Lohan an “edge”: either way, they are publicity-crazed, insufferable and dumb as a box of rocks.*

In any case, ridiculous as they may well be as people, it is inarguable that they are excellent fodder for a caption contest. Especially when they engage in a little pairs synchronized booger excavation, like so:

All right, people, same-old rules as ever: submit your entry as a comment on this post; profanity remains acceptable, if not downright encouraged; submit as many captions as you wish; those submissions which play upon thinly-veiled sexual and/or otherwise juvenile material will receive higher consideration than others; all entries must be submitted before the contest is over; the winner will be selected by a congressionally appointed panel of citizen experts, comprised solely of me.

All entries must be received by 5:00p CDT on Monday, November 17, 2008. This time around, our winner will receive a $10 gift certificate for Archie McPhee, so let’s get crackin’.

Well, it was tough, but I think I’ve been able to separate the wheat from the chaff enough to select a winner. Despite Ryan “going there”, and in spite of the fact that one of the entries was posted by a customer who could, in a fit of rage, choose to withhold all further business, I’ve elected to go with L P’s entry, which offers us this little bit of little poignant insight:

“Lindsay Lohan is so new to being a lesbian that she actually thinks this is how women have sex with eachother.”

Well played, L P, whoever you are! This marks an official first for me - awarding first prize to someone I’ve not met and don’t know (and who, maddeningly, didn’t even offer the courtesy of throwing lavish praise at me in the hopes of winning). In any case, L P has won the Archie McPhee gift card, which I would assume s/he will use to toward this thing. Lord knows I would.

Good work everyone!

* Don’t believe me? Check out Lohan going all Strom Thurmond on Access Hollywood. Stay classy, Firecrotch.

Posted by Andy in Caption Contests