Umm, No
28 April 2008 | 10:26 PM
For some reason, the endlessly dull sub-genre of men’s periodical infotainment known as “lad mags” are supposed to be our culture’s authority on the hotness of today’s female celebrities. To be fair, that’s really all they aim to do, so it’s not like I’m berating them for failing to expose atrocities in Sudan or their lack of reporting on federal monetary policy (although I’m fairly certain that Jenny McCarthy’s recent spate of Autism-related press appearances offered just enough of a pretext for some of these rags to feature her breasts in their “news” sections). However, considering these magazines – FHM, Maxim, Stuff and their ilk – purport themselves to be authorities on female pulchritude, they always seem to miss the mark when they create their inevitable “who’s-the-sexiest-of-them-all” lists.
It’s not that the women they chose to fill out the upper echelons of their meaningless rankings aren’t beautiful, mind you: of course they are, they’re celebrities who have, in most cases, built their careers at least in part on the basis of their physical appearance. That said, even though the word “sexiest” is quite subjective, it at least implies more than just a pretty face or an ass that one could bounce a quarter off of and get twelve cents change. No, when one is talking about the sex-appeal people who, variances in body types aside, largely look the same, there has to be something more to go on. Usually, the few famous women on these ridiculous lists who are there justly are piled on as an afterthought, a sort of thrown bone to those inevitable critics (like me, I guess) who see little in the way of sexiness in such exercises, instead finding mostly bored prom queens yawning their way through laughingly un-sexy photo shoots.
The most recent – and in my view, blatant – offender in this arena comes in form of FHM’s Sexiest Women In The World 2008, as ass-backwards and nonsensical a survey of the famous female form as there ever has been. As I said earlier, it’s not that the women on the list aren’t attractive (although I’m a bit skeptical as to the fame of some of the ladies, given that I’m a total celebrity gossip addict and had trouble recognizing the names and/or faces of nearly a quarter of them). Rather, it’s that they not terribly sexy, and those that are find themselves seemingly randomly ranked, as if the ironic-t-shirt-wearing douches who “write” for the magazine were simply throwing darts in the hopes of hitting boob. To spare you from having to read the list in its entirety, let me just say that all you need to know are these salient facts:
- Avril Lavigne is on the list, and she’s ranked ahead of Halle Berry and Natalie Portman.
- Britney Spears not only made the list in her current chain-smoking, weave-wearing and psychotropic-drug-taking state, she outranked Monica Belluci, Milla Jovovich and Ellen Page.
- Two words: Mischa Barton. Ugh.
- Two more words: Vanessa Hudgens?
- Hillary Duff is not only in the top ten, she outranks Angelina Jolie. Seriously.
Admittedly, interspersed amongst some of these notable misses are some very welcomed hits. I’m surprised and thankful to see Ellen Page even made the list, given the cartoonishly-endowed standard of beauty FHM generally sees fit to grace its pages. It’s good to see Katie Holmes still makes the list, despite being abducted by aliens and forced to birth their Martian messiah. And it’s a relief to not see the names Bai Ling, Sarah Jessica Parker or Janice Dickinson anywhere in the rankings. To me, though, these few bright spots are overshadowed by the hap-hazard ordering of things. Most of all, though, I take issue with FHM’s decision to anoint Megan Fox as their zenith of hotness for 2008. Fox is pretty enough, but she basically won her “crown” (such as it is) largely on the basis of her appearance in one film, Transformers. And heck, to be honest, she’s really made it to the top of the list primarily because of a single (admittedly hot) still photograph from one scene in that movie. Moreover, how sexy can she be? She’s engaged to Brian Austin Green for chrissakes! Plus, she’s a little nuts, and not like the hot, Angelina Jolie-style crazy, either, rather more of a Paris Hilton type of bonkers.
Anyway, all of this got me to thinking about my own sexiest list. Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with the full 100 (although, if pressed, I’m sure I could come up with one), but here is my top twenty:
- Angelina Jolie
- Tina Fey
- Drew Barrymore
- Scarlett Johansson
- Mariah Carey (preemptively: shut up)
- Kate Winslet
- Salma Hayek
- Mary Louise Parker
- Paz Vega
- Ellen Page
- Kate Beckinsale
- Monica Bellucci
- Jennifer Tilly
- Aishwarya Rai
- Natalie Portman
- Catherine Keener
- Diane Lane
- Susan Sarandon
- Leslie Feist
There. Now these poor celebrities can rest easy, knowing how some random slob in flyover country would rank their masturbatory appeal.
I should totally start my own magazine.
Posted by Andy in Ummm...?